“WHY CAN'T I GET JUST ONE FUCK…”
Last weekend I went to see the Violent Femmes in concert. They played their debut album cover to cover! It was fucking fire.
*Heads up, I might use the word fucking in this email a lot! So if this is a turn off, feel free to move on. I don't usually use the word fuck more than once or twice or ten times :) in a song or essay. But FUCK! This show was fucking great.
This album came out right when I needed it most. Smack dab in the middle of my middle school years when I was filled with all the angst, rage, hormones, all of it.
It hit me hard and good like I wanted all things to.
It helped me release my fears and confusion and pent up sexual energy.
And…my MOM kept CONFISCATING my cassette tape of this very album. Ugggggg.
Don't worry. I secured many more copies over the next several years. There was an underground market run by some clever 13 year olds and their boom boxes with dual cassette players.
But…I NEVER saw this band LIVE.
Until…last weekend.
BLOWN. AWAY!
I feel certain that this band, this album, gave me permission and down right validated every single one of my 1980's teenage feelings.
When I was listening to their forbidden music, in some secret location, away from skeptical parents, I could be 100% me.
Not just the Christian youth group leader good girl.
Not just the sneak out skinny dip smoke cigarettes bad girl.
But some magical, just right, combination of both, that my soul actually was.
IS.
Did I mention that the show was fucking fire?
Now listen, we don't NEED anyone's permission to feel a damn thing!
But…sometimes it helps. It nudges. A lyric you hear, a poem you read, a painting you see, breaks opens a door.
Or rather a fucking flood gate.
And all of your emotions come pouring out shouting:
“FREEDOM. THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME OUT!”
And that's why ART RULES.
Side Note: This is what YOU do for people with your art! With everything you create!
So here I was 13 years old, feeling all my feels, but not really feeling them deeply because I was so fucking confused.
See, I wanted the boy I was “going with” to finger me on the 9th hole of the Owl Creek Country Club Golf Course where we would meet at 2am after sneaking out of our respective homes but…
Then again, I was the leader of my church youth group and I had confirmation class tomorrow and surely this was wrong! Right?
But I FELT it. I wanted it. Ached for it.
But maybe my feelings were wrong?
And if my feelings were wrong, was I, as a person, just wrong?
And just as my head would be spinning with all of these mixed up thoughts and emotions I'd almost violently put on my Sony Walkman headphones, remove the Cassette from my secret box hidden under my bed, place it in the Walkman, fast forward to "Add it Up," turn up the volume and press play.
DAY AFTER DAY…
Freedom! Relief. Ahhhhhhh.
The fucking Violent Femmes am I right!? :)
Did my Mom even know that Gordon Gano (lead singer) was the son of a preacher? That he was a devout Christian? WHY WAS SHE TAKING AWAY MY CHRISTIAN ROCK!? haha
*Listen, I know 13 is young to be sneaking out and getting sexual on a golf course, but this was the 80's, I lived in the country and also it was me. And well, I guess I was and am a sexual being and luckily someone taught me sexual safety early and also luckily I have spent years learning to love me, myself and I, so I seriously have zero regrets. Except that one time when we got caught skinny dipping in a neighbor's pool and had to escape so fast we had to run home NAKED across the railroad tracks just in time to get ready for church. Doh.
What are your personal “contradictions?"
And do you let them show? Living fully into your beautiful amazing self?
Or do you hide them to protect yourself from judgement and scorn?
Walking around a little awkward on the inside because half of you feels shamed?
Or maybe it's fun to hide one side because it feels like you have a “secret!”
I do that sometimes. And sometimes that feels absolutely right!
But the truth is:
When I am ALL of me is when I feel the best.
And when life feels easy!
When I am ALL of me I CREATE the ART I was meant to create!
I have fun.
I feel ALIVE!
When I am ALL of me, what other people think of me and my art is NOT a problem.
Ever!
Do you want some help coming out of hiding?
Imagine that this time next month you are breathing easier.
Creating in your most creative flow state.
That heart palpation you get in “certain circles” because you don't want “them” to see you for who you really are, will be gone.
Gone (Daddy) Gone.
And instead you will be 100% present in alllll of your circles.
Love will flood in and out of you as it was always meant to!
And your art will flow onto the page, the canvas, the keys as it was always meant to!
FREEDOM!
Do you want that? Do you want that kind of FREEDOM?
I can help you get that. It's what I do.
I invite you to come have a session with me and see what's on the other side.
If you are ready TO FEEL FUCKING GREAT